For the first time ever, something interesting happened on a Sunday. To mark this very special occasion, I went to great lengths to get this post up hours early and ended up posting it well into Monday.
Mom: Does something feel off to you?
Me: *looks up from phone* What—oh my—mOMOMOMOMOMOM
Me: YOU’RE DRIVING ON THE CURB
Mom: *considers this* Oh. What should I—
Me: I don’t know, DRIVE OFF THE CURB!?!!? And is that—YOU’RE GOING TO HIT THAT—
Me: *yells incoherently*
You know how people say near-death experiences cause your life to flash before your eyes? I’d always wondered what parts I’d think of, but now I know for sure.
It’s not anything majestic like a succession of my most tragic childhood memories accompanied by a tear-inducing soundtrack (coughSnapecough); far from it. In those split seconds when time stood still, this was my actual thought process.
- Oh come on.
- Looks like I won’t have to do all those history notes after all!
- Now Mom’ll be sorry she didn’t let me buy that 25-pack of cream soda.
- Wait, Mom’s driving the car.
- Does my cat love me?
And then my mind semi-shut down. It felt like I’d blacked out, but not exactly—I was still seeing things, but nothing was registering. I felt nothing, and I was at peace.
(According to Mom, I was yelling incoherently at the top of my lungs the entire time. I maintain that I was in a place of inner tranquility; it’s her word against mine.)
By the way, in the end, my mom swerved back onto the road and no one got hurt. If you care about that sort of thing, I mean.
Anyway, all that happened because we were rushing to a blues concert. Because of this, I feel the need to write something about it, but I can’t think of much, probably because a) it was a blues concert and b) my eardrums exploded (from the volume) maybe forty-five minutes in.
This is the only thing I remember from the entire night.
Sax Soloist : doodoODOODOODdoodoodoodooDoODODO. DOOOO. DOOOO. Doo.
Guy in front: *claps and cheers*
Sax Soloist: ….doodOOOOOOdodoodoodoodo. Doooooo. *silence*
Guy: *claps violently*
Sax Soloist: … dOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Guy: oH MY FREAKING—
Me: *laughs uncontrollably*
Me: *proceeds to choke loudly on spit in the now silent concert hall*
All jokes aside, though, Lou Marini (Sax Soloist) is crazy amazing, and is probably way stronger/healthier at 70 years old (does he even need to come up for air?) than I’ll ever be.