9 Signs Your Cat No Longer Respects You

 

Our school doesn’t have advisory periods (time set aside each day for teachers to talk about how to deal with life), so we compensate with a monthly advisory program, which usually consists of a thirty-minute session of prewritten discussions, PowerPoint slides, and nonresponsive children. A group therapy session, basically.

Anyway, last time, we discussed and visualized what healthy and unhealthy relationships entailed. Because I can count the number of people with whom I’m deeply involved on one hand and no fingers, I didn’t think the topic pertained to me—you can’t be in an unhealthy relationship if you’re not in a relationship to begin with—so I half listened, half visualized myself eating some chicken-fried steak.

I learned enough to recognize the warning signs, though, and it has become clear to me that I am involved in a deeply toxic relationship with Cat (my cat). I mean, even in the beginning, I had no illusions as to the one-sided nature of our relationship, but the disrespect is just getting ridiculous.

The Signs, aka Why I Should Dump Cat

1. She starts testing your boundaries. You start catching her in places that you have clearly designated as private and/or off-limits, like your sinks and school projects and showers.
2. She only values you for one thing. Don’t even think about confiding in her about your tragic life. Once she’s had enough of the petting, you’re dead to her.
3. She acts like you’re not there. Namely, she steps across your face to get places.
4. She sets up guilt-trips. She positions herself so that you will accidentally kick her and feel so bad that you bend to her will.
5. She destroys your property. Out of pure spite, it would seem.
6. She starts leaving her unwanted possessions with you. Other pet owners secretly wipe their hands on their pets. I suspect that Cat visits me just to wipe off all her excess hair.
7. You give more than you get. You spend time massaging her behind the ears. In return, you receive a hug. With her teeth.
8. She would rather drink out of acrylic paint water than spend time with you.
9. She finds it acceptable to, in plain sight, lick her own butt and proceed to drink out of your cup.

… That got real specific, real fast. I could go on, of course, but it’s only fair that I balance out that list.

Pros of keeping Cat around

1. She’s cute.

And therein lies the problem.