Resolutions I Should Have Made in 2016

Unlike most people I know, I’m proud to say that I never break my New Year’s Resolutions because I never make them.

(Okay, so my first post of 2016 was called 15 Things I Need to Stop Doing This Year”—maybe it should have been 16, to include lying—and I was actually proud of it, which means everything essentially went downhill from that point on. But those weren’t actual, serious resolutions.)

These are.

… Not serious resolutions either. They’re really highlights (or, looked at a different way, nadirs) of my year expressed in list form.

12 Resolutions I Should Have Made This Year

  1. Learn how to make a memorable entrance that doesn’t entail tripping over an entire desk while trying to sit in front of business competition interview judge.
  1. Keep tabs on my phone, which, irritatingly enough, habitually loses itself.
  1. Stop trying to understand my cat and dance competitions, because that way madness lies.
  1. Enjoy a vacation without getting scammed into rocky beaches and potential herpes.
  1. Stop confidently trying new things at the last possible minute to avoid literally gray skin.
  1. Check weather forecasts before attempting to have fun. (AKA, don’t attend Senior Skip Day, which is probably going to be easy, considering there’s only one of those.)
  1. Resist the urge to play dead after making embarrassing first impressions.
  1. Not give such a wide window of opportunity for people to kidnap me.
  1. Wait an hour or two before immediately assuming my roommate’s dead.
  1. Keep a supply of white rice in my dorm for soaked phones and midnight snacks, if I’m feeling low enough.
  1. Decide on who to vote for prior to voting.
  1. Deal with oil-based dorm fires by using wet rags or by neutralizing my roommate.

Like my page on Facebook! I try to post on Sundays, and sometimes I’m so good that I post a day early. (Or… bad. Look, I’m out of the country.)


9 thoughts on “Resolutions I Should Have Made in 2016

  1. It’s much more satisfying to set retroactive resolutions. Humans are much better at connecting the dots of the past to create a meaningful narrative. Writing your own history so it seems like you never made a mistake makes you a winner, because history is written by the winners.

    Like

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