That One Time I Exercised

I know that writing about exercise after my last post makes it seem like I’m beginning to live and promote a healthy lifestyle, and I just cannot in good conscience let that assumption stand uncorrected.

I promise I’m not turning into a fitness blogger. If I were ever to start waxing on about subjects on which I have no grounds to speak, such as portion control, stretching before exercise, motivational quotes, and self-love, you have permission to slap me in the face. (Offer only available for the next few days, as I just took my last final Thursday and have since lost all sensation in my… being.)

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Up until this point, I had no idea there was a Spongebob meme for everything. (From knowyourmeme.com)

But now that I’m home, I wanted to look back on aspects of my experience exercising in college, specifically the part where it was practically nonexistent. Exercising is tough when the only public gym is on the other side of campus and also when your room is so small that that one time you and your roommate stood at your respective beds and bent down at the waist to pick up different things, your butts actually touched. Might I add it’s also difficult when you’re really creative with your excuses.

One day in February I woke up to my roommate’s alarm and simply could not for the life of me come up with a valid reason not to walk down to the gym, so I grudgingly made the trek. Upon sight of the treadmills, I experienced the satisfaction I’m assuming most people feel post-workout and would have left immediately, had it not taken so long to get there.

Me, trying to hold myself accountable through texting Friend: guess who’s at the gym

Friend: you??

Me: honestly it’s so embarrassing how proud of myself I am

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Really embarrassing, because I stayed on the elliptical for not even half an hour and burned 54 calories, which is, according to my calculations… pathetic.

Basically, I burned the equivalent of 2/3 of a Hershey’s Kiss and then ate even more food than usual because now I was tired, hungry, and entitled.

Seeing as the more I exercised, the more I needed to, I cut my losses and pushed regular workouts to the summer, a decision I, of course, regret now. This afternoon I tried going to a fitness center’s heart-monitored “group personal training” hour-long workout with my mom. The rationale was that while I might not listen to myself, I respect other people’s advice, especially when they’re shouting it at me.

At this fitness center, they have a screen that displays everyone’s names/heart rates and awards a point for every minute spent in your target zone (a level above your base rate that allegedly ups your metabolism even post-workout) or your push zone (a level above target, AKA where you’re dying.)

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The screen of shame (from classhoppernyc.com)

I burned ~650 calories and got 15 target points/0 push points, most of which were from the rowing machine (simulates rowing a boat), and I think Mom burned ~450, with 1 target/16 push. She got all those points from the treadmill, on which I, in contrast, promptly lost all will to live. While I guess you could frame it as us having different strengths, rowing seems comparatively less applicable a skill than being able to run comfortably for longer than 10 minutes. I mean, what am I supposed to do about a rampaging bear? Row away?

Basically, today I learned I’m in less in shape than people decades my senior during what’s supposed to be the prime of my life. Disappointing, but not entirely unexpected—the truth was just a lot easier to ignore when I just avoided working out entirely. But when finally faced with hard evidence of my profoundly inadequate cardio and overall poor health, I realized what I had to do. The only logical next step, I believe, is to carry around a canoe with me wherever I go.


Please help me out and like my page on Facebook! Good karma could help you out on that final/whatever you’re stressing about.

(Featured image from thedailymail.com)


16 thoughts on “That One Time I Exercised

  1. Actually I think burning more calories while not raising your heart rate past your cardio zone is an indication that you’re in better shape than your mom. The better shape you’re in, the lower your heart rate while doing even strenuous physical activity.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. If you ever get any further, remember that muscle tone builds from the inside first. So you may not notice any difference on the outside for months, depending on how much fat there is to lose. This is why so many people give up, instant results do not happen.

    Based on a sedentary lifestyle, focus on cardio workouts, gentle at first, its absolutely necessary to burn fat off. Drink one energy drink beforehand. As you get stronger, increase the difficulty level. Drink lots of water during and after every session. After aerobic exertion, fat will continue to burn for several hours provided nothing sweet is eaten and again drink even more water.

    Train your taste buds to lose that sweet tooth by eating more salad, fruit and vegetables, even if you don´t like them, force them down. Eventually you will find that there is no need to eat those potatoes left on the plate. Start taking vitamins like, C, D, and E.

    See the likes of cakes, chocolate, biscuits as lumps of fat — which they are. Cut down on red meat, replace with the likes of fresh fish, chicken, and replace bulk fat food like chips / fries (more lumps of fat) with boiled rice. Boring? This is the only way to shrink your stomach.

    Toning can only be focused on beyond losing excess fat.

    The more you speak about “trying and failing” the less likely you are to EVER get anywhere with your aim. Reading your blog I can see there is no motivation whatsoever. Yes, it gets a laugh, but the joke´s not only on you, it´s against you.

    The time you spend writing about your failures could be much better spent working on them for your own sake. Get things in perspective, then ask yourself which is more important?

    Like

    1. Thanks so much for this lengthy advice! You’re right, though, that this post was not meant to be taken so seriously–I am working on exercising/watching what I eat, little by little. However, I still appreciate the effort you took to leave me your thoughts(:

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Ha! I think you are hilarious! Exercise is bad for you, don’t do it – I’m sure a wise elder once told me this. Loved your ‘Who am I?’ page 🙂 I’ll be stalking you from now on 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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